Lila! Lila! Lila!
Do you think this will affect the sales of your book?
-Lila, are you sorry you did it? -I'm not sorry.
I am sorry.
I don`t even know what sorry means anymore.
I'm not sorry.
So I spend the rest of my life in jail. So what?
I've been in jail my whole life anyway.
A jail of blood and tissue... and coursing hormones.
A called the human body.
The only thing I know is that I'm sorry.
Sorry for my expulsion. Sorry for my Lila rotting in her jail cell.
And sorry for Nathan...
rotting in his grave.
I don`t even know what sorry means anymore.
lt`s odd.
When I was alive, I knew. Maybe it was all I knew.
But here...
sorry is meaningless. Love is meaningless.
-Jealousy is meaningless. -My story begins when I was 1 2.
Jesus.
Something terrible happened that year.
My mother said because of it, l would never be able to get a man.
So I should get used to the idea of dedicating my life to the pursuit...
of knowledge or religion or whatever.
lt`s hormonal. Nature is a funny and complex thing.
lt could get worse with time.
By the time I was 20, l looked like an ape.
The way that mouse looked at me.
lt didn`t care if I had hair all over my body.
l was just what I was.
l felt so free.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Something about a mouse, right?
l don`t think there`s anyone in the world who doesn`t know...
by now that I was raised in the wilderness by an ape.
Well, to be fair, by a man who thought himself an ape. But...
it amounts to the same thing, gentlemen, does it not?
After spending years in a mental hospital for attempting to...
take up residence in the ape house of the local zoo...
he did his best to live by your rules. He got a job...
he married a human, they had me.
Until a national tragedy undid all those years of therapy...
and reminded him what the human race was truly about.
Apes don`t assassinate their presidents, gentlemen.
So, he stole little me from my human mother...
and raised me with love and tenderness and respect.
Until quite recently gentlemen, l believed myself to be an ape.
Although, I didn`t know specifically what type.
Apes don`t think in terms of type. lt might be argued, gentlemen...
that apes don`t even know they`re apes.
ln retrospect, however, l`d say I was a...
pygmy chimp.
l have to say l always hated apes.
Of course, I don`t any longer.
Now I don`t even know what hate means.
But while alive, I hated apes.
l blame my parents.
l mean, I don`t blame them.
l don`t know what blame is really, anymore, but...
l think they influenced me in my ape-hating tendencies.
Mama, look! Monkey!
Nathan, chimpanzees are apes, not monkeys.
And furthermore, Harold, tell the boy.
Tell him, Harold.
The ape is our closest biological relative.
Specifically... the pygmy chimp.
A single chromosome separates us. But do you know what...
-truly separates us? -No, Papa, what?
Civilization. Without it, we might as well be living in pens...
throwing our feces...
masturbating in public, sniffing red, swollen female rump.
Your adoptive father and l whisked you away from a life...
that most certainly would`ve been one of degradation and alcoholism.
Your part of the bargain is to never wallow...
in the filth of instinct. Any dumb animal can do that.
An animal saved my life...
so I decided to go live among them in the forest.
You see, animals have eyes that don`t judge.
Look at all the hair, everywhere, everywhere.
On the possum and the woodchuck and the cuddly old bear.
l used to be embarrassed of hair. Not fit to caress.
Now, I'm so sure it`s a blessing...
I've got no need of dressing.
I once thought God A Creator diabolical
He gave the nod To each one of my follicles
Head to my baby toe
Now I`m free No more cares
I`ve accepted My millions of hairs
My new friends These split ends
Far away from Those terrible stares
Squirrels don`t mind Nor do ravens
If a girl is furred Or clean-shaven
Creatures are kind so I have Found my new green haven
And I ain`t gonna go
`Cause I`m one of them You know
l figured out a way to stay in the woods forever.
l became a nature writer. Last night, on my mountaintop...
l felt the wind whip through my hair.
lt was violent.
l almost died.
All my petty concerns were sent flying with those gale force winds.
l was in nature. l was nature!
An otter, a stork, an oak tree.
A woman.
When I became a famous nature writer, I said to myself...
``Fuck humanity.`` I never saw my public, I never saw my publisher.
l never saw another human being and it was wonderful.
But I have to admit by the time l was 30, I was very horny.
l had to have a man in my life.
l would become what I needed to become to achieve this.
My success would allow me to afford to become a hairless lie.
-Progress! -Yeah?
Yeah. Honey, you are getting smooth, smooth, smooth all over.
-Smooth as a baby`s butt. -l love it, Louise.
-I'm getting like a real girl. -You still in the market for...
-a real boy? -Always.
`Cause my brother knows this guy. Might be right up your alley.
Tell me. I could use someone up my alley.
l don`t get that. Something sexual?
Shut up and tell me.
-Handsome, 30`s, psychologist. -Loves animals?
-Must love animals, Louise. -Loves animals. Loves you.
What do you mean?
Well, somehow it came up that you`re a friend of mine...
and Mr. Handsome Animal-loving Psychologist said...
-that he would love to meet you. -Won`t he be able to tell?
My brother says the guy`s a 35-year-old virgin.
So, maybe he won`t know how a woman usually feels.
Plus, he has bad eyesight. Almost legally blind.
Which is very helpful in this situation. Plus...
he has an extremely small penis of which he is mortifyingly ashamed.
And chances are...
he will be so grateful for any non-judgmental attention...
-he will be yours forever. -He must be really close...
to your brother to tell him such personal stuff.
Oh, yeah. My brother`s his shrink.
-Fuck Humanity`s a delightful read. -Thank you so much.
-Yes, I'm a real animal lover. -l work with animals.
Right now...
I'm teaching mice... well...
table manners, to be candid.
-And how`s it going? -l hope you don`t think me daft.
lt`s important work. lt`s part of a larger sociological experiment.
-I'm federally funded. -What`s the larger experiment?
My thesis is that courtesy, decorum, manners are all...
sadly lacking from our daily intercourse. Rudeness and...
vulgarity are the norm. Ergo, if I can teach table manners...
to mice, then I can teach them to humans.
And if I can teach table manners to humans, then maybe... I can...
make the world a little bit safer.
Lord, thank You for this bountiful gift we are about to receive.
Amen.
Oh, God, Nathan. No.
That`s the wrong fork, young man. Harold, tell him.
-lt`s the wrong fork. -I'm sorry.
l`ll use the right one. l forgot.
Harold.
Tell him.
lt`s too late. You`ll have to go to your room.
And do you think, maybe, this...
early childhood indoctrination has something to do with...
your interest in table manners in the present?
Seems a tad convenient, don`t you think, Wendall?
Well, do you have any thoughts then on where this passion...
-might`ve come from? -lt`s my work.
You can`t reduce my passion to parental indoctrination.
Why did Picasso paint? Why did Mozart compose?
Picasso`s father was a painter. Mozart`s father was a musician.
Yes, okay. Now you`re being nasty. Now you`re just showing off.
l really didn`t come here to be mocked.
Well, that certainly wasn`t my intention.
lt`s my work, Wendall. That`s all.
Voil?
This looks wonderful.
You look wonderful.
I'm on top of the world tonight, Lila.
My work is going splendidly and my personal life...
The fork. Fork!
I'm sorry?
lt`s just...the outside fork is usually the salad fork.
-One goes from the outside in. -Oh, I'm sorry. I never really...
-learned these things. -lt`s no biggie.
Oh, boy, this is good.
-I'm sorry if I became upset. -No, I'm sorry.
I'm a little backwards in some ways.
lt`s just that I really enjoy your company.
-You do? -Yes.
Please, Lila.
Please don`t talk when you have food in your mouth.
You`re so pretty, and it only mars your....
I'm being critical.
l can`t believe you think I'm pretty.
l have some peculiarities, you see.
-l think you`re pretty, too. -You do?
Yes, I really do. And I have peculiarities, also.
Well, I don`t care. I don`t care.
-No? -No.
Like what, for example?
Like.... Nothing.
l cannot believe how in love with this man I am.
Louise, he`s so cute. Even his little penis.
lt`s like a little pig`s penis or something. lt`s charming.
Well, you`ve always been an animal lover.
-He`s gonna find out, Lou. -You`re a wonderful woman.
-He`s lucky to have you. -Louise...
you`re removing hair from my feet as you say that.
So you have a physical quirk. Big deal.
l`ll tell you what I fall in love with in a man...his mind, period.
-There`s a limit. -No, period. End of sentence...
end of paragraph, close the book, we`re done.
me a man with intellect, like my brother.
l know he`s average looking, but he`s so smart. You know?
l could care less about the packaging.
-You don`t fuck the packaging. -Yeah, you do.
You fuck the mind, Lila. You fuck the mind, period.
Close the book, end the sentence, close the whatever.
Hey. I have a really smart friend for you. He has an l.Q. of 1 70.
-What`s he look like? -Oh, he`s gorgeous.
-He`s sort of a midget. -Jesus, Lila.
I'm not dating a fucking midget.
What is love anyway? From my new vantage point, I realize that...
love is nothing more than a messy conglomeration of need...
desperation, fear of death and insecurity about penis size.
But I'm not judging it. I know how miserable it is to be alive.
Listen...
l don`t want to be dead yet. ls there any way to...
Hello?
No, I suppose not.
No biggie.
Anyway, Lila moved in. We had our problems...
but we both wanted love so badly, we turned a blind eye.
Like the first time I brought Lila to meet my parents.
lt`s lovely to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Bronfman.
Nathan`s told me so much about you. All good things, of course.
Thank you, dear.
I'm sorry, will somebody please tell me who this little boy is?
Your father and I have adopted an additional son.
Wayne just returned from a week at Peace Camp...
and a week at Science Camp. Tell everyone what you`ve learned.
Conflict resolution and flatworm dissection.
-Very nice to meet you, Wayne. -Nice to meet you. Our mom`s...
-told me so much about you. -Yes, I wish I could say the same.
By the way, his elbow is on the table.
-Good boy. -Good boy? That`s it? Good boy?
You shouldn`t be speaking to your mother in that tone of voice.
Forgive me, but it seems to me that Wayne needs a tad more disci--
Sorry, Mom. l don`t know where my head was.
Wayne is quite self-disciplined for his age.
-Meaning? -He does seem very disciplined.
But I wonder, do you think it`s the best thing for a child--
Lila`s a nature writer, Mother. Did you know that?
She writes about animals and nature and other things...
about nature in addition to that. Wind, animals, what have you.
Squirrels.
l love nature.
As long as it stays in the zoo where it belongs.
l hate Wayne. Don`t you?
Listen. I'm sorry about my mother`s reaction to your work.
-What are you doing in there? -You didn`t seem sorry when...
you were laughing at her endless stupid, cruel animal jokes.
l was simply attempting to keep the evening light.
You know I feel similarly to you about nature.
-Do you? -Oh, yes. Of course. I love it.
-Do you? Oh, do you, darling? -lt`s my favorite, nature.
I'm so relieved.
Let`s celebrate tomorrow with a long hike in the woods.
Oh, what a great idea.
That shaving cream?
l don`t think so.
Why?
Then, gentlemen, one day I saw something I hadn`t seen since...
my father`s death. l saw other apes.
They chattered away in what seemed to be gibberish.
Later, I learned it was English.
Now I wonder if perhaps my initial assessment hadn`t been correct.
l saw a flash of white.
-Did you see that? -What?
-l don`t know. Something. -A deer?
No, too upright. A person?
lt might behoove us to turn back at this point.
lf it`s a person, why should we go see it?
lt`s not like it`s nature.
Lila, people who live in the woods don`t want to be seen.
We should respect their wishes.
This is how you get ticks.
This is it. Lyme disease.
For God`s sake, what are you--
An ape as I had never seen before. Like me, yet different.
And all at once I felt a heat pass through me.
Gentlemen, I wanted to touch her, caress her, to be one with her.
l had urges I could not explain.
And so I did what any animal would do in that situation.
He bolted.
Who are you?
You don`t understand my language, do you?
Now look what you`ve done. ls he dead?
-No. -Please put something on.
lt`s cold, you`ll catch a cold. What do you suppose he is...
-a survivalist? -l think he`s feral.
Feral? Oh, don`t touch him. He might be diseased.
Oh, my God, rabies!
-He looks perfectly fine. -My God, I think we should go.
Nathan, I don`t understand you. This is fascinating.
Here`s a human being, totally uncontaminated by civilization.
And all you want to do is run to the car.
-You`re starting to annoy me. -Forget the mice.
Forget guinea pigs. Forget cats. Monkeys, too.
I'm on to stage five, the human subject.
No.
l can change him. l can teach him.
l can save this unfortunate man`s life!
l won`t let you, it`s wrong. He`s happy here.
Happy? ls he happy? Never to know the love of a good woman.
Never to read Moby Dick or marvel at a Monet.
You`d be taking away his freedom.
Freedom`s just another word for nothing left to lose, Lila.
Doctor?
Good morning.
Only three shocks.
A chimp takes 15. This is going to be trés simple, no, Gabrielle?
-Oui, doctor. -Good morning.
-We need to give him a name. -Oui.
-You decide. Today is your day. -Really? My day?
l had a sweet little mongrel dog named Puff when I was a girl.
Puff.
This one reminds me of my dog. All shaggy. So cute.
l loved my doggie very much, Monsieur.
Puff it is, then.
-Puff Bronfman. ls that okay? -Oui, perfect.
Good morning, Puff Bronfman. My name is Dr. Bronfman...
and this is my assistant, Gabrielle.
We`re your mommy and daddy while you`re here.
Would you like some salad, son?
-Dr. Bronfman! Dr. Bronfman! -Hi, Gabrielle.
l just wanted to tell you that l very much enjoy working with you.
Now I'm embarrassed that I say this.
No, no. Don`t be. l really enjoyed hearing that.
-You`re a terrific assistant. -Merci.
Would you like to go get a cup of coffee, perhaps?
Well, I don`t know.
-Actually, I'm on my way to.... -Now I am truly embarrassed.
Forgive me. I should not have asked such a stupid question.
-You`re a very important man. -Don`t be silly.
You`re so sweet.
There, there.
You know just the right thing to say to me.
l see you tomorrow, okay? Unless.... Am I fired now?
No. Of course not, Gabrielle.
l like it when you say my name. ls that stupid?
Hello?
Hi, Gabrielle.
-Yes, right, Gabrielle. -Who is it?
-Someone from work.
l think you took the right initiative, Gabrielle.
lt shows you to be very wise. Oh, really? Gabrielle....
Could you hold on just one minute, please?
-Who is it, Nathan? -l am on a work call... and l--
Nathan, l--
lt`s hormonal. l can`t help it.
-Your entire body? -I`m doing electrolysis.
It takes time. It`s working, but in the meantime I have to shave-
-You have to shave? Like an ape? -Apes don`t shave...
-you son of a bitch! -Don`t quibble...
-you know what I mean. -Please don`t be mad at me.
-I`m not mad, I`m disgusted. -I`m the same person.
I have to think. I have to go.
Hello? Is anybody there?
No, thank you. I couldn`t eat another bite.
It is lovely to make your acquaintance.
My apologies, madam. It shan`t happen again.
-My compliments to the chef. -``idiopathic hirsutism occurs...
in women who have hair follicles highly sensitive to...
normal female androgen levels.``
How could I find myself in this mess?
ls my girlfriend a man? No. But she deceived me.
She has hair, she`s not supposed to.
Oh, doctor! I did not know. I'm sorry to disturb you.
l just came for some papers I left.
Sorry I startled you, l just came to think.
-My God, did I hang up on you? -Oui.
Perhaps I called at a bad time?
-l am sorry. -I'm sorry. I was distracted.
-ls everything fine? -Oui.
Now you`ve got me talking French.
l was in my p.j.`s when l remembered I left some papers...
l need to go over. See? l rushed right out of the house.
-l must look a mess. -No, not at all.
I'm in my p.j.`s, too.
Funny, huh?
And how is our son?
-What? -Our son.
Puff.
He seems fine. I guess we woke him up with the lights.
l should turn them off.
Maybe I sing him a lullaby my mama sang to me...
when I was a little girl.
-When you`re a little French girl? -But of course, silly.
That might be very soothing... for him to hear that.
Can you point me to the Cezanne exhibit?
There. Shall we close up, then?
l shouldn`t say this, but...
-you`re a pretty girl, Gabrielle. -Really?
-l always think of myself so ugly. -No.
Well, no, not ugly, but plain. A wallflower.
Not at all. You`re a very pretty girl. You should know that.
-You should be confident. -Thank you so much. Merci.
lt is too wonderful to hear a man say such a nice compliment.
-lt`s true. I wouldn`t lie. -You are sweet to me.
So soft.
-Doctor.... -I'm sorry.
l saw it, gentlemen. I saw the whole sweaty, passionate...
ugly, beautiful act. And to use the vernacular...
l wanted me some of that.
And I think I understood from that moment...
that in order to get some, l would have to play their game.
Excellent, Puff, excellent. Excellent.
Now, the lady you`re with excuses herself to go powder her nose.
-Perfect, Puff, perfect. -Bravo.
l still feel guilt, even dead.
One would have hoped that....
You know, I really did love Lila.
lt`s just that with her problem and then when Gabrielle...
revealed her feelings, l... She was just so conventionally female.
She had that accent.
l... I was lost from then on.
Are you seeing somebody else, Nathan
I'm sorry to ask but I need to know.
-Of course not. -lt would be helpful to know.
No.
Because, you know, lately, you seem so distant.
You work late every night and we hardly ever have sex...
and when we do, it`s...
-different. -I've been preoccupied lately.
Do you like my new look?
-lt`s nice. -Really?
I'm trying, you know. I'm trying to be what you want.
l want to be what you want me to be, Nathan.
All I want is to be what you want.
-You`re exactly what I want. -Really?
Sure. Of course.
I'm really trying. You know what?
Louise said that I only have two more years of electrolysis.
-That`s great. -And I signed up for ballet class.
Look at my nails. Like a real girl!
-That`s a great color on you. -Oh, Nathan, let`s have a baby.
So that`s the nightmare I've been ha
for the life of me, figure out what it`s about.
-l think it may be about Lila. -Lila? How?
Ever since she broached the subject of children you`ve been...
on edge, and I know you have an issue with her body hair.
l see that. That`s something to consider.
l felt it had more to do with child-rearing concerns.
The monkey-baby representing parenta...
l think it`s important that you look at your feelings for Lila.
Well, I love Lila.
She`s wonderful. And she loves me. That`s no small potatoes.
And she`s a good person. That`s pretty rare in this world.
How could I stop loving someone...
because of a little physical imperfection?
-lf it can even be called that. -How do you feel about Gabrielle?
Good evening... ladies...
and gentle... men!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Bravo, Puff, bravo! lsn`t Puff doing spectacularly?
Nathan, we have to talk, you and l.
-My little French poodle. -Stop, get away.
-What is it? -You have to choose.
lt is like Sophie`s Choice. Only it is Nathan`s Choice.
Did you ever see that movie, Sophie`s Choice? lt is like that.
Only it is this.
-I'm trying to sort things out. -lt is now that you must decide!
l love you, Dr. Nathan.
But I will not wait. l will not be your chippy...
your little Mademoiselle Parlez-vous side dish.
l want to have... a sweet, tiny baby...
inside my belly... from you.
l love you so much, Gabrielle.
But? But? There is a ``but,`` Nathan.
l don`t know how to leave Lila.
Goodbye, Nathan.